Golden Year
by Marnie-May
Summary: London 2011: Brendan and Ste are split after a fire in their borough of the city. Can they be reunited with each other through some unknown magnetic attraction...? Rated M for adult situations and mid violence.
1. Dusty streets and broken tarmac

**Golden Year**

_**This story takes place in the present and future, and is narrated by both Brendan and Ste in future chapters.**_

_**I would also like to take this opportunity to tell everyone that I am deleting my story "The Pact" and also am going to finish my other story "To Care for You" but it may take some time as I am having a creative juices problem at the moment. **_

_**Hope you enjoy this story and please review as you see fit :)**_

_London 2011:_

_The sirens pierce through my eardrums. Everywhere people are fleeing from the city and yet I am still here because I can't find him, where has he gone? I told him to wait at the flat and we would make our way to the airport together – we would flee together and be happy. Maybe they have taken him! I'm running through the dusty streets; trying to avoid the masses of people running towards me; throwing me off balance. I dig my heels further into the broken tarmac and continue – I'm not leaving without him! _

_Police are telling me that I can't go through there – through our street, into our flat .I don't care for their rules this is an impulse and I can't fight it. I need to know where he is, he could be hiding and waiting for me in the flat – loyal as ever. I push past. Nothing will stop me now – I am seeing red. I pull down the police tape and crash my way through the door into our hallway – well what remains – it's dusty like most of London now and I can barely see to make my way upstairs. I'm hoping he's here, I'm begging God to let him be here, safe. _

_Our bedroom door is charred. If I'm not careful it could fall on top of me – or worse on him. I open the door tenderly and peer behind. Our bedroom, sanctuary, our place of work, rest and play has been destroyed. All that remains is the burnt remnants of our clothes, pictures, precious memories of holidays, years of our lives together are gone and apparently so is he…_

_I can't think where he would go. He doesn't have any friends or family in the city we left them behind in Hollyoaks. This was supposed to be to be a new life, a new start – together and now ironically we are apart. I go to one of the many crisis stations dotted around the city and ask if they have found him but the response is vague and they are obviously over demanded for, so I will have to find him myself. _

_Where to start? I survey the sites around me, the chaos and confusion the fires have caused is a muffling the sound in my ears. I rub my face in desperation, it is red raw because I haven't slept for twenty four hours – I've been searching for him. Body bags collect around me and all I can do is hope that he got away, that they haven't hurt him. _

_I gingerly rise to my feet and stumble along the broken tarmac of the once clean streets and I don't know where I am going – so please don't ask, all I want to do is shout and hope that somewhere he can hear me. I want climb as high as possible because then maybe I will see him so I make my way back to our flat. Behind the dustbins near the back of the flat there is a ladder – so I climb up to the top of the building and stand by the edge. The scene is unlike any other I have ever witnessed. People are fighting for their lives, for the lives of their loved ones and they are searching like me for the lost._

_I draw a breath in, hold it for a second and then scream at the top my lungs:_

"_STEVEN! STEVEN WHERE ARE YOU!" _

_I can feel tears running down my face but I don't care – I'm crying for Steven. Hoping he will notice and come back to me. Suddenly I hear footsteps and I'm on guard because it is dangerous in London now. I stand rigid – ready to attack, but then I see the uniform and I relax. It is a policeman. _

"_Mr Brady?" He asks cautiously. His face black and eye white with intent._

"_Yes" I reply staring in the whites of his eyes. _

"_I need you to come with me sir… we have found someone." _

"_Steven?" I ask – not caring that my eyes are tearing again. _

"_Please sir…" He holds out his hand for me and I return it with mine. _

_We make our way down the fire escape of the flat and into the back of a police car. I feel safe now and I hope and pray to God that Steven is too…_


	2. Learn who to trust

**Chapter two – Learn who to trust**

It's been four days since the fire, since Steven disappeared and I am not any closer to finding him, mostly because they have placed all the survivors of the fires in a "secure unit" until further notice – I can't help but wonder if there is something we are not privy to. Being here is like having the blood sucked out of you by an overgrown mosquito and there is nothing you can do to help yourself – save yourself.

Most of the population here are like me – desperate to find their lost love ones, and some don't want to be found. My father always used to preach one rule of life at home – _"Brendan learn who to trust my son, the enemy may be closer than you think."_ Wise words pa but I don't care for finding the villain at this moment in time because I am looking for the innocent.

"Brady?" A man of authority calls above the loud voices in the room. He gestures me to come to him. I am cautious but I need all the help I can get to find Steven.

* * *

><p>I can smell damp earth; it is encasing my body like a blanket and there is no escape. I don't where I am but it looks like some sort of back alley. I begin to move my limbs one by one, checking if they are all working still, thank God they are. I then prepare my body to stand and as I do it feels heavy underneath my feet – like I have gained a vast amount of weight, as I clamber up a wall for assistance I gain sight of a sign: <em>"Hackney Hospital". <em>

I'm in Hackney. I breathe a sigh of relief. I start to walk slowly into the main street but as I do I feel a sharp prickling in my side so I lift up my shirt – exposing a freshly applied bandage which has been wrapped around my waist…

* * *

><p>Time goes slowly in this place and I am not a patient man. They are not helping one bit, Steven could be dead for all I know and they don't even care! Oh I just want to smash this hell hole to pieces right now – my fingers itch. People are leaving around me, they have been found – why hasn't Steven?<p>

"Brendan?" A small voice creeps up behind me but I don't recognise it. "I thought it was you" he has turned into my vision…

"Douglas? What are ye doing here?"

"I was visiting some friends in London when the fires were set" He looks down to the floor.

"Are they here?" I don't know what else to say – I can to relate to him at this moment.

"Hospital - in Hackney, that's were all the casualties have gone"

Of course, if Steven was hurt they would have sent him to a hospital outside of the area.

"Thank you" I kiss him on the cheek in a moment of impulse; he looks baffled but doesn't say anything.

Busses to Hackney are regular on a usual day however since the fires all public transport to the area has been told to cease until further notice – I'm going on foot. We live in Highbury in Islington so Hackney is the next borough over; but nightfall is approaching and time is of the essence.

* * *

><p>I struggle along the pavements of Hackney, I need to get back to the hospital and find out what happened to me. I don't remember anything after Bren told me to wait at the flat for him to return from the shop. I feel like I have been sucked into a black hole – no recollection of events cross my mind and it scares me to think of what might have happened to me, to Bren while I have been unconscious.<p>

I reach the doors of the hospital and stand outside for a moment; sirens are screeching in my ears, my mind is crumbled inside my head so bad I can feel my ears throbbing. I pluck up the courage and walk straight trough the automatic doors.

* * *

><p>I'm here at hospital entrance; just standing taking in the sights and smells around me – they nauseate me. I stride through the doors after a moment of calming my nerves. I don't want to do this; I don't want to ask because what if it's bad? What if…?<p>

NO, snap out of it Brendan Brady and listen to the one thing that matters right now – your instinct.

"Hello can I help you sir?" She looks kind – genuine, which is more than can be said for some people I have met today.

"Yer I wonder if you can tell me if someone is here? My words are a jumble.

"Of course, if you could just give me their name…" She types into the keyboard behind the desk

"Steven Hay" I choke on his name – I miss him.

"And address…"

"2A Ronslen Street, Islington"

"And your name and address please…"

"Brendan Brady, 2A Ronslen Street, Islington" I say with pride as a sudden realisation crosses the receptionist's face.

"And do you know if Mr Hay has a next of kin?"

What why is she asking that? "I don't know…" I stutter. I'm assuming that Amy is his next of kin because his parents are useless and he doesn't have very many close friends. "Amy Barnes"

She types it in.

"That isn't what is on the system sir" She says.

"What is then?" I ask confused.

* * *

><p>I'm sitting in the waiting room, waiting to be treated – I think. I don't know why I am here really because I think I have already been treated today. If only I could remember what happened to me but I feel blacked out, like I haven't been in reality all day. It's impossible right? I feel pain and I'm conscious to what is going on around me but at the same time I feel vague to the world – maybe because I'm tired so I'm going to lie down for a bit and wait, wait for Bren…<p> 


	3. Holiday of a lifetime

**Chapter three - Holiday of a lifetime**

Brendan has got a surprise for me after work today and I am buzzing with anticipation. I love his surprises because they are always so well thought out, no detail is too big or too small; and I know that he has done his very best because he loves to see me happy.

It's four o'clock – I'm going home for my surprise.

As I walk along the streets of Islington I feel a strange sense of quiet. No one looks in my direction all their faces are downcast – is there something wrong with me, because this has been happening a lot lately. I brush it off as people being too engrossed in their day to day lives that they have more pressing issues then to be civil to their fellow man, but I don't care because my _fellow man_ has got a surprise for me…

I hope he likes it. He deserves it. I made him move to London; away from his family, his kids because I got in trouble – big trouble, the kind you can't ever return from and still live in the same place for the rest of your life; so we moved. It took some persuading but Steven was eventually on board as we knew this was the only way we could be with each other after what happened. I had a friend who was looking for a tenant for his flat in the city and he was willing to keep all paperwork to a minimum so we were virtually undetectable in the system. And it's nice in Islington – not true home for me or Steven but I think that works in both our favours – we are unknown in the unknown.

"Hiya you alright?" I shout down the hallway as I take my coat off and hang it on the peg.

"Ye" He shouts back "Come in here"

I walk into our living room. It is slightly on the small side but Brendan prefers to call it homely.

I see him sat on the sofa waiting for me so I slide down the edge beside him, purposely getting as close as I can. I can feel his breath warming my ear as he speaks.

"Are you ready?" He growls.

"Mm mm" I literally am jumping inside. My skin is elastic.

"Here" He hands me a gold envelope with my name on it. I hold it for a moment because I want to savour the feeling my body contains a little longer. "Open it then Steven, before we die of old age" His sarcasm swoops over me – I'm too in the moment.

"Ok" I carefully rip the seal and pull out the content.

It's a brochure:

_Huvafen Fushi – Maldives_

"What's this?" I ask – I know it's a holiday but I want Brendan to explain why he is treating me to it.

"_Huvafen Fushi is_ a spa resort in the Maldives. It is secluded and tranquil and the perfect destination for our holiday this year"

"Why are you doing this?" I smile; I can barely breathe because I am so shocked.

"Because ye deserve it" He smiles and begins to embrace me firmly against his body. He kisses me gently and smooth – I feel like the waves of the Maldives are right in our living room and their new name is Brendan Brady.

So we pack that night because the flight goes in the morning. I ring Amy and tell her what Bren has done for me, she is naturally shocked and jealous which I love. I talk to the kids for a bit – God how I miss them and then finally hang up because Brendan says I cost him a fortune in phone bills.

After and eventful evening we settle to bed. I snuggle up tight into Brendan's arms and he clasps them around me firmly – supporting me while I sleep. I feel as if I should say something to break the silence in the room.

"Bren?"

"Mm" He mutters behind me.

"Why did you really do this for me?" I ask unconvinced.

He leans further over me and gently rolls me over to face him.

"Because I love ye Steven"

"I love ye too "I mock his accent and he smiles so I know it is acceptable.

* * *

><p>It is amazing here! I just have to tell someone how brilliant this holiday is turning out to be.<p>

On the Monday we arrived we settled in to our luxury hut – which they call a bungalow, and just chilled out, by our very own personal swimming pool in the living room! Then we went for a stroll around the other huts along our area, hand in hand together we were – it was simply wonderful.0

Tuesday dawned and the sea glistened magically through our open doors. I was still in awe but Brendan managed to drag me away for some other activities. We decided that that day would just be about enjoying the beach – so we went skinny dipping in the crystal blue ocean. Lunch was fabulous – I had a crab delicacy and Brendan had the seafood platter which was big enough to feed four people.

In the evening we took a moonlit walk along the pale sanded beach and we talked…

"I love it here Bren" I admitted looking at the sky dimming itself for the evening.

"Worth it?" He asked looking at my amazed expression.

"Defiantly" I smiled once more.

As we ventured further along the beach Brendan wrapped his arms securely around me. I felt at peace – he was protecting me.

* * *

><p>I can feel my eyes heavy above me and my vision focusing on the blue paper curtains surrounding me – I'm in hospital. My body aches all over and through and suddenly I feel the gentle rhythmical dripping of fluid through my hand. Someone is standing next to me – I can't identify them.<p>

"Hello there" Cheery nurse = brilliant.

I tell my brain to move my lips to speak but nothing comes out…

"It's ok" She places her hand on my shoulder.

I begin to come around from my comatose state further and realise that I have a tube in my mouth.

"My name is Elsie Locket; blink once if you know where you are and twice if you don't"

I blink once.

"Good do you know what happened?"

I blink twice.

"You were injured in a fire"

A fire… The fire! I'd forgotten all about it.

I want to ask about Bren; where he is and if he's ok but for now I'm tired – I'm just going to rest.

* * *

><p>Steven isn't in the hospital so I leave because the constant contact with sick people makes me feel vulnerable. Where else could he be? I'm getting frantic with panic – if I didn't use so much hair gel I think it would be falling out right now. I have one other hope in finding Steven, his legal next of kin. I'm off to Enfield…<p> 


	4. Secrets revealed

**Chapter four – Secrets revealed**

I arrived in Enfield this morning, the bus journey seemed to last an infinity but I was too consumed with thoughts and worries for Steven that I couldn't have cared less. I got an address from the hospital for Steven's legal next of kin and now I'm on a manhunt - I will find out why this mysterious person is claiming he has the right to mess with my man's life.

As I navigate my way around the streets of Enfield I can't help but be suspicious of everyone I make eye contact with, I mean do they know who I am? Or what I have come here for? Have they been waiting for a dark secret they possess to be unveiled? Or am I just being unusually paranoid because I haven't slept right since Steven disappeared?

* * *

><p>I can't move. I don't feel pain; I don't feel anything. I'm slowly slipping away into eternity. Please come soon Bren – I'm dying…<p>

* * *

><p><em>Edmonton Green – Enfield, <em>a large housing estate; the home of Steven's legal next of kin. 12C is in my sight after climbing many stairs to reach it. They better be in – it's just rude not to be now I have come all this way.

I knock, I wait, I wipe my nerves from my forehead and the door opens…

"Yeah?" A skinny young man answers. He looks me up and down like an airport scanner.

"The name is Brendan Brady I'm here on behave of Steven Hay" My voice is trying to sound strong but breaking slightly at the mention of Steven.

"I don't know no one called Ste Hay" He slams the door hard but I lodge my foot firmly in between, he isn't going nowhere.

"You mean Steven?" I reply – building to my point.

"What?"

"You said Ste and I said Steven, if you haven't ever heard the name before why would you automatically shorten it in such a way that is tailored specifically to an individual you have never met?" Oh he isn't getting out of that one and by the look on his face he knows it!

He sighs and opens the door for me to enter.

* * *

><p>There are two other people in beds on this ward, the nurse comes around every ten minutes and I can hear people shouting across the hall at all hours. I just want Bren to arrive, what is he doing that could be taking him so long…?<p>

* * *

><p>The flat is small, dark and barely furnished. I am led into what seems to be the living room; it looks untidy, there are take away containers, empty beer cans and just general rubbish scattered around the place.<p>

"Sit" He points to a stained, floral patterned arm chair. I don't want to offend him in case he doesn't co-operate so I sit down.

"What do you wanna know?" He asks earnestly.

"You are stated as Steven's legal next of kin, why?"

He sighs. "Has he ever talked about a man called Mickey Colesmith?"

"No"

"Well Mickey and Pauline his mum had a thing but it ended when her man, Terry found out and they never spoke again."

"What does this have to do with Steven?"

"Pauline got pregnant didn't she, silly cow, by Mickey but he didn't want nothing to do with the kid"

"So what did she do?"

"She went missing for nine months; no one knew where she was until one day she just turned up on the door step again – minus the baby"

"Do you know what she did with the baby?"

"Nope, no one knows" He pulls out a packet of cigarettes and lights one up.

"So what has this got to do with Steven?"

"My name is Nathan Colesmith… Mickey Colesmith is my dad…"

_**Sorry this chapter is so short – it was hard to make the ideas I have fit the story. **_

_**Hope you enjoyed however, and review as you sit fit once more. I would also like to say all of the feedback so far has been wonderful (thank you) and if you have any suggestions for future chapters please let me know :)**_


	5. Like a brother to me

_**Mostly dialogue in this chapter because things need to be said and we all know the reasons why – hope that's ok.**_

**Chapter five - Like a brother to me**

I can't believe it.

"So ye were the baby?"

"Yeah" He looks down between his legs.

"How do ye know what happened to ye?"

"Friends and distant family told me bits of it, all I had to do was work it out for myself"

"So ye are Steven's younger brother?"

"Yeah I'm twenty"

"So how come ye are his legal next of kin then?" This still baffles me. He looks across the room to some faded photos in the corner on the windowsill.

"Ste went to hospital one day…" He paused.

"Why?" I decided to nudge him slightly for the information; I am on a tight schedule.

"Terry; the stepdad beat him – hard, so hard they thought he had brain damage"

I am taken aback by this. I know his worthless stepdad beat Steven but I had no idea _this_ happened.

"I heard round the estate what had happened, new travels fast here ya see. So I went to their flat to find out how he was." He paused again but this time he looked distressed so I wasn't going to rush him. "I found him" He looked up at me and stared into my eyes.

"I thought he was dead" Tears are beginning to form in his eyes. "So I took him to hospital cause I knew Terry and Pauline weren't going to"

"What did they say?"

"Who attacked him etcetera? But I just told them that he had gotten in a fight with some local boys and that he didn't wanna press charges"

"And they listened to ye?

"Yep cause I told them who I was"

"And that is how ye got…"

"… To be Ste's next of kin, yeah cause they didn't have any other family on file"

"And he doesn't know about ye?"

"No and I wanna keep it that way!" He begins to tense.

"Why?"

"Cause I ain't no good Brendan, I get into trouble and I don't want Ste round it, ya hear me?"

"Don't ye think he should know though?"

"No. He will never know me. The kinda trouble I cause just ain't no good to be round, I ain't dragging him under, he's got a good life"

"How do ye know that?"

"I have connections Brendan. I'm kinda top dog round here"

"I think yer living in a fantasy world lad, Steven ain't had it easy all these years"

"Better then he would have had it if I got involved. Ya see Brendan people round here have sides, and let's just say I ain't on the side of good, yeah?"

"So people are after ye blood?"

"Ya could say that yeah. I'm doing a favour for Ste by not letting him know me cause if people knew bout him they would find it as me weakness. They would hurt him"

This hit me hard because I know how far I would go to protect Steven.

"Anyways, why ya hassling me bout being Ste's next of kin?"

"There was a fire and Steven and I got split. He's missing."

"Wait a minute – you and him? Together?

"Yeah, that a problem?" My defences are up.

"Na not a problem at all mate. Ste's me brother – blood brother, literally. Whatever he is I'm cool with it"

"Good" I nod slowly.

"So where do you think he is?"

"Dunno" I reply honestly. "I tried the hospital but he weren't there, that's how I found ye"

"So what do you want from me?"

"Yer help to find him"

"Oh no, no way I told ya I ain't having nothing to do with Ste's life, have you not been listening?"

"Oh I heard ye. But I also heard ye say ye had _connections _round here"

"So what if I do?"

I lean in closely to him. "So that means ye are going to help me. Or do I have to persuade ye?" I ball my fist and see the look of terror on his face – it is working.

"Fine" He gulps.

A worthwhile trip after all.

* * *

><p>Hospitals drain you; don't they? I can't really tell how dead or alive (depending on how you see it) I am now. The nurses are acting strange here like my health is classified information and I'm not authorised to know.<p>

I have been here for two days now and still no signs of Brendan. I'm losing hope.

* * *

><p>Nathan has agreed to help me find Steven. He's given me a list of contacts to check out and we are keeping in regular contact, but so far the search has turned up nothing. We are not allowed back into the flat because it is deemed <em>unsafe<em> so I've been in between B&B's and contact's houses.

It's lonely without Steven. I miss him in my sleep, in the bed beside me, someone who makes me feel safe, wanted, needed – Loved. You know how that feels? There isn't any other feeling in the world that can compare to it.

It is 6:00am, I was up all night looking for Steven and I just got to bed when I hear the phone.

"Hello?" My voice is gruff and sore from the dusty air in London.

"Brendan it's Nay"

"Who?"

"Nathan"

"Oh right" I sit up slightly in bed. "Is there news?"

"Meet me – half an hour in the usual place" He hangs up.

I'm here waiting for him in our _usual _alley. It makes what we are doing sound illegal; but it isn't, I just want my Steven back. I see Nathan emerge from around the corner.

I nod in recognition of his arrival.

"Aright?" He asks.

"Yer" I lie, hoping he has good news.

"I spoke to one of my men in da city, turns out he works part time as a porter in Hackney Hospital"

I nod again.

"Well he said that a man called Mr Steven Hay was admitted two days ago to the burns ward there"

"Not a coincidence then?" I acknowledge.

"Not at all. I had to check though so I asked him to run Ste's name through the hospital's database and it was a perfect match" He hands me a piece of paper with Ste's medical notes printed on.

"Good work lad" I nod as I read the information.

"One slight hitch…"

I knew it… "What?"

"My man said that Ste is due to be moved to another hospital later today"

"Where?"

"Dunno he couldn't tell me, classified information not even he could hack. Wherever it is they sure don't want us to find out"

"When is he going?"

"Three this afternoon"

I looked at my watch, quarter past two and I am in Enfield, I'll never make it in time…


	6. Contacts

Chapter Five – Contacts

Contacts make the world go round. Think about how many contacts you have and what you would do without them if they disappeared one day. For me contacts aren't family – you should never mix business with pleasure – they are people who are aloof to the world, who can erase themselves from all types of security and national databases and systems for the sake of their activities and loved ones. But most of all they are people that you can rely on, people who would never leave you high and dry, always will stick it out until the sometimes bitter end and most importantly never abandon a man down.

Nathan was right when he said he had "_contacts" _in the area; well in fact make that every area around the city. A part of me thought he was just bluffing so as to scare me away from my pursuit of Steven crossing his path; but I was wrong. Now London is a big city and the cops can't be around every corner – even though they would like to think that they are – so Nathan has used this to his advantage, he has fourteen separate undetectable _meeting places _in which most of his activities take place; and we are about to enter one of them.

Nathan knocks the nicely furnished door. The letter box flaps and Nathan recites some sort of code word – all very _Ocean's Eleven_. We walk into the hallway of this reasonably sized town house in Enfield; Nathan told me he doesn't do any deals on the estate because the police swarm the place day and night – smart man, young man.

"Alright Nay" A skinny bloke calls from the kitchen, slowly appearing in the doorway in time for Nathan to answer.

"Yeah man, I'm good you?" He knuckle taps with him. Personally I can't see the need for this but oh well; needs must.

"Na not really mate, trying to find someone and was wondering if you could help?"

"Well it is my specialty" He smiles a knowing smile and they walk into the kitchen fully; with Nathan gesturing for me to follow.

"Who's da big fella with the muzzy" He points at me and I stand firmly ready for confrontation.

"Name's Brady, not from round here and I'm helping him find a friend"

"Alright?" He asks me; satisfied with the explanation Nathan gave.

"Yer" I reply slightly relieved.

"Irish?" He asks.

"Yer born and bred "I say proudly.

"Well da name is Conker, don't ask way just is ok?"

"Yeah" I reply sharply nodding my head.

"His name's Conker cos you don't wanna get on the wrong end of him othawise you might end up in hospital" Nathan remarks from across the kitchen. "His real name is Ronald but don't call him that if you value your face!" He whispers in my ear loud enough for Conker to hear who sneers at a smiling Nathan.

"C'mon I'll introduce you to the rest of us" Nathan says as he leaves the room. I follow.

"Down here is Red" He points to a small door at the end of the hallway. We stop outside and Nathan knocks before entering. "Hey only me"

"NAY!" A red haired man sitting in the chair across the room looks up and jumps forward. "How are ya?" He hugs him briefly before realising my presence.

"Good, you?"

"Yeah I'm alright. What brings ya back 'ere now after so long?"

"Need a favour mate"

"Oh god anything Nay after what you did for Cassie"

"Oh yeah how is she?"

"Good yeah, learning to do stuff again – we dead proud mate" His eyes begin to mist.

"Glad to hear. Can we all meet round table in the kitchen?" I need to talk to everyone"

"Karl ain't here no more; upped sticks across London and no one knows where he is"

"We'll make do"

* * *

><p>I'm being moved to a new hospital today; something about the <em>"overcrowding of beds" <em>on the ward but if you ask me this hospital is so disorganised I can't wait to get the hell out! I'm still in critical condition but I can breathe alone now, thank God because that tube was starting to really piss me off. In fact everything about this place is pissing me off, I'm not told anything and the nurses act strangely around me, like I have a disease rather than burns. The whole of my right hand is burnt beyond recognition and four of my five fingers we burnt away. I can't see it though because it is bandaged up.

* * *

><p>"Alright, alright settle down!" Nathan shouts over the noise around the table. "This 'ere is my mate Brendan but for the purposes of keeping on the DL he shall be known as BB, is that understood?"<p>

"YES BOSS" They chant back. I admire the control Nathan has over them.

"What's da job then Nay?" Red asks, lighting a ciggy.

"We need to find this bloke" He slams down a picture of Steven I provided earlier.

"Who is he?" Conker asks scowling at the picture.

"Name's Steven Hay, he went missing in a fire four days ago and the system have done away with him"

"How do ya know?" Red remarked unconvinced.

"Cos Red I asked Elfie down at Hackney Hospital and he says that he heard them talking about moving him but he ain't on no records"

"So what do we do Nay?" Conker interjects.

"Call up all your friends, acquaintances, enemies if you have to, just find out some leads and report back"

"Right c'mon then" Red orders and the six men sitting around the table all hurry for the door. Except Conker that is…

"Oi Nay! Can I have a word mate?" He pulls him aside. "What's the deal with this here fella?"

"Honestly I can't say. Just trust me yeah?" He places his arm on Conker's shoulder.

"Alright Boss" He smiles and follows the rest of the men out of the door.


	7. Hospitals and townhouses

**Chapter Seven – Hospitals and Townhouses**

I had this dream last night, me and Bren are together and I can feel him next to me, we are walking along a cobbled street littered with pieces of paper, I try but I can't catch them. I struggle to breathe as I get closer to the end of the street and eventually collapse on the ground out of exhaustion – next thing I know I'm here, in this bed with a temperature of seventy.

* * *

><p>Nathan and I have been searching tirelessly for two days straight and tension is beginning to show between the others. Conker constantly asks questions about the reasons behind our search and I can tell it is getting on Nathan's nerves, he wants to tell everyone everything but he can't for the sake of Steven's safety and our own.<p>

"Oi Nay!" Red shouts. "Think I found sumant'"

Everyone rushes over to find Red standing before a blue hooded jacket – Steven's blue hooded jacket to be more precise.

"Is it his?" Nay asks calmly.

"Yer" I nod "It's his" I can feel myself losing control and I know Nathan can sense it so he pulls me to the side of the wall away from the others.

"Oi, it's ok" He says reassuringly. "Ste's gonna be fine cos we gonna find him before sumant bad happens ok?"

I know shouldn't believe him but I do. I need to. Because if anything has happened to Steven then it will be entirely my fault because I wasn't there to protect him.

* * *

><p>"<em>Mr Hay?"<em> I hear piercing through my eardrums. "MR HAY! Are you awake?"

I open my eyes slowly to see a tall, big built man standing before me. He's dressed in a bagging red polo shirt with the words _"Hackney Hospital Porter Service" _embroidered on the top left hand side. I twitch my hand to signal I'm awake.

"You ready?" He asks, smiling slightly at me.

"Ready for what?" I'm confused, that dream has knocked me sideways.

"To be transferred to the other hospital"

"What hospital am I going to?"

"It's a specialist burns unit in Cardiff"

"Cardiff?" Since when the hell has this hospital been in Cardiff?

"Yeah and I've been contracted by the hospital to take you"

"Right…" There is something seriously dodgy about this man – I am not going anywhere with him…

* * *

><p>"Any news?" I ask Nathan as he walks through the door of the townhouse – our base camp for <em>operation find Steven, <em>I did tell you it was all very _Ocean's Eleven. _

"No sorry Bren" He shuffles forward to the kitchen table and slings himself loosely on a chair.

"Brendan, only Steven calls me Bren" I say correcting him.

"Oh sorry" He seems sincere so I accept it with a nod.

We sit in silence for a bit, reading the papers and drinking tea before Nathan asks me…

"So how long have you and Ste been together?"

I'm kind of shocked at his question. I didn't think Nathan was the sort of person to talk about relationships – especially not mine and Steven's, but I answer because I want to talk about him.

"Couple of years"

"Cool. And it's been what, plain sailing, love at first sight?" He smiles.

"No. Nothing like that. It's been difficult" I pause, reflecting on my words. "But worth every minute" I smile nervously.

"Brendan?"

"Huh" I look up into the youthful face of Nathan. He reminds me of Steven; maybe that's why I feel so at peace with him.

"We will find him and the people who dared take him, and we will get justice and everything will be ok" His eyes are honest. He's done this before; I can tell.

"Yer" I agree, slowly raising my head.

"Brendan, will you tell him bout me?"

"Do ye want me to?

"He's made it this far without me… I don't know if he needs me"

"I think what you gotta ask yerself is; do you need him?"

"Why would I need him?"

"Closure?"

* * *

><p>"What's ya name?" I ask the <em>porter.<em>

"Geris" He replies without hesitation.

"Geris?" I reply quizzically.

"Yeah" He eyes shift uncomfortably around the room.

"Geris did I ever tell you about my friend?"

"No cos I've only just met you" He smiles quickly but I return it with a cold stare.

"Well me friend runs his own business ya see and well I'm kinda important in his business and see if I go missin' me friend is gonna come lookin, and if I'm not there then he's gonna find the last person who was with me and well… I'll leave you to imagine how the story ends"

He gulps.

"Anything you care to share Geris?" I smile menacingly.

"I'm not really a porter"

"Well I could have told you that much. Anything else?"

"I was hired to take you away from here so that they couldn't find you but they would come running"

"Who are ya talking bout Geris?"

"This bloke called Carmichael, he's after your partner"

"Who Brendan?"

"Yeah and he will stop at nothing to get him…"


	8. The not so great escape

**Chapter Eight – The not so great escape**

Do you remember a time when you were at your happiest, when nothing and no one could bring you down from that all time high? I do. But with me it's different because being with Brendan makes me feels so alive and all my emotions, passion, pleasure and desire roll into one truly amazing, euphoric moment. Now I've never seen heaven, but I imagine it would be something like that.

When we left Hollyoaks I was terrified. I thought Brendan was going down for what he did and even though he never told me the ins and outs I knew it was serious, but he assured me that we would be happy and that leaving was the best option. I trusted him, I put all my faith, soul and hope into him and it paid off because we were happy. He stuck to his promise and told me that he would never leave me and that if we ever got parted he would track me down with his supersonic powers and never let me out of his sight again. Now I believed him once and I believe him again, he hasn't forgotten me and I know he is coming.

But time is ticking and I know I can't put off this transfer forever; the only thing that has kept me here this long is that I purposely switched my medication with the man in the next bed over. Luckily for me it wasn't poisonous. I need a plan and I need it fast.

* * *

><p>I've been staying at the townhouse for a week. Nathan goes home to his family at night and Conker lives three streets away so it is just me and Red after dark. He seems quite nice and friendly, he doesn't ask questions, I like that. I don't know if anyone has realised my connection to Steven yet but if they have they sure are doing a good job at keeping it to themselves.<p>

"Morning Brendan" Red says as I walk into the kitchen wiping the sleeping dust from my eyes.

"Morning" I reply.

"Nay rang early dis morning and told me he can't be round today"

"Why not?" I ask intrigued – Nathan doesn't strike me as a man to leave a job half done.

"His daughter Katie is sick"

"Oh, what's the matter with her?"

"She has leukaemia, Nay spends most of his time looking after her now her mum upped it and left him for the local twat face"

I don't reply. I don't need to because Red knows what I'm thinking. I feel horrible for even letting the thought that Nathan was a slacker cross my mind even if it was just for a brief moment. He nods and pats me on the shoulder before leaving the room.

* * *

><p>I need food. I need clothes. I need water. I need shelter. I need medication. I need a way out…<p>

Geris the fraudulent porter has agreed to help me after I found out about his little set up with the man known only as Carmichael, but it's going to take excellent timing – something I am known to be utterly shit at!

Geris runs up to me in bed panting and sweating – god why did I ever think this man would be a good accomplice? "Steven I think I've found it!" He struggles to breathe.

"Really?" I try not to sound too hopeful.

"Yeah"

"Well go on then…"

"Right well there's a big staff training session today and most of the ward staff will be at it, so I thought that you could sneak out during it"

"Pretty risky" I say scrunching my face.

"Look this is the only way out now, they are planning your transfer for this afternoon and I seriously doubt you are heading anywhere near Cardiff. You have to take the bullet and run!"

Oh my god. Geris the fraudulent porter is making sense! Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to make him my accomplice after all.

"I'm going to need stuff though, supplies until I find Brendan"

"It's cool; I got it sorted" He pulls out a carrier bag full of food and bottles of water and hands it to me.

"Where did you get this?"

"Does it matter?"

"No" I say inspecting my rations.

"I'm working on getting you some clothes from the laundry and some medicine from the store cupboard but it going to take a few more hours"

"Ok"

"Just stay here and hide that stuff under your bed, I'll be back later"

He leaves through the paper blue curtains. My heart is racing now; I can't believe I am escaping from a hospital. This is one to tell Bren…

* * *

><p>Nathan has given me the address of a man they call Sonny and I am on my way to meet him, he says he has information about Steven's whereabouts.<p>

Why does everyone around here live in flats and why don't these flats have lifts? I finally reach the _twenty seventh floor_ _(!) _puffed and barely able to see straight. I knock the vanished door and wait for a reply.

"You BB?" A gruff voice asks from behind it.

"Yer that's me" I reply, my voice equally as gruff. I tell you it's this city air!

I walk into what seems to be a dining room. I tell you what these people who live in flats the size of matchboxes sure do know how to utilise their limited space.

"Nathan tells me you have some information about…" I trail off. He's got my drift.

"Yeah sit" He points to the chair behind me. I don't want to anger him and jeopardise my chances of finding Steven so I oblige.

"I have a contact" (Of course, everyone has contacts…!) "In the hospital up in Hackney"

I nod.

"Goes by the name of Geris" He takes a swig of whiskey and offers me one but I refuse – I need to keep a clean head.

"Anyways, I spoke to Geris the other day and he's pretty sure they've moved Steven away. No one's seen anything of this Steven bloke since last week"

I crumble a little inside. I don't think I will ever find Steven, alive.

"I'm sorry it wasn't better news mate" Sonny says as I bury my head into my hands. "I know what it's like to lose someone"

"Who have ye lost?" I ask, curious as to how he can truly feel my pain at this moment.

He picks up a photo off the mantelpiece and shows me.

"This here is my wife Katherine and me daughter Ally" He sighs deeply. "They went missing three years ago"

"How?"

"I took 'em to the beach one day and they both just disappeared out of sight; I haven't heard anything of them since"

"I'm sorry" I say sincerely.

"It doesn't mean I've given up looking for 'em, still catch myself thinking that it's them in the street you know? But it never is when I get up close"

"Thanks Sonny" I take his hand in mine and squeeze loosely.

He smiles "Don't give up my friend" He wipes his eyes. "Steven is your Katherine and Ally, I can tell and somewhere he is waiting for you – to rescue him._ "Don't give up hope when there is so much more to hope for"_ something my dad told me when I was young "

"Thanks again" I smile as I leave through the front door. "

* * *

><p>Three o'clock comes quickly and I am waiting for Geris to bring me the clothes and medicine I need to make my escape. The nurses begin to filter out through the double doors at the end of the ward as the training session is about to start; only a few remain but they are too busy with other patients that they won't notice my disappearance. They will probably come after me once I am gone so I need to make sure I am as far away as humanly possible.<p>

I'm getting tense. I try and calm myself by taking a few sips of water and breathing deeply.

"Alright, only me" Geris appears from behind the curtain with another carrier bag. He lifts up some jeans and a green hoodie from it and passes them to me.

"These are the best I could find"

"It's cool" I take them from him.

"I'll wait outside" He says uncomfortably pointing to the curtain.

I get dressed. The clothes are too big and baggy but they will have to do.

"Alright?" Geris calls from outside.

"Yeah" I reply.

He opens the curtain and surveys my new look. He nods in approval.

"Right here's a map and some medicine, painkillers and IV fluid to attach to your cannula, wash it with this saline every night and make sure to keep the bandage over the top to keep it clean"

"Ok"

"There are some clean bandages and a hundred quid in there for anything else you might need" He looks me straight in the eyes and says… "Good luck Steven, may god bless your life"

"Thank you Geris, I couldn't have done this without you" We share and manly embrace for a brief second and then I leave through the double doors and out through the man entrance. All I have to do now is find Brendan….

_Later that evening…_

"I've done it boss, he's out in London"

"_Very good Geris now all we have to do is wait for our friend BB to come running!" _Laughter fades from the other side of the phone…


	9. Coming clean

**Chapter Nine - Coming clean **

Do you want to know why Steven and I left Hollyoaks? What made us unable to stay? The trouble I got into? I'm going to take you back a year to 2010 when Steven and I were out to village and happy. I ran the club and Steven worked there – we were contented together. We sorted out the Danny business and I think in the end Steven understood why I did it. Sure words like _"monster" _and _"murder" _were tossed around but he saw sense and forgave me. If only I could forgive myself.

But I have to shake those thoughts because they do me no favours.

See after we started our relationship again Steven asked me to agree that I would never return to the way I was before, he didn't demand it he simply asked, and I think he wanted it to my decision to change not his. I agreed because I was tired and weary from all the running away from my demons that I just wanted to sit down and breathe. Imagine a world in which you can't breathe… Steven gave me oxygen and I was revived by him. His love is pure and untainted.

But I was foolish, foolish enough to think that I could abandon that way of life at the click of my fingers and that it wouldn't come after me anymore. I guess with Danny gone and Warren and me once again working in unison I believed that any of the major threats to mine of Steven's safety were demolished. The sad truth is your past never leaves your life in the present; it will always be there, I found that out the hard way…

I cut all ties and went off the radar, I believed I was a free man, but they were watching and waiting for me to need them once again.

* * *

><p>"Nathan!" I say hastily gulping my coffee in surprise. "How's um…"<p>

He cocks his head slightly in confusion and I feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Your daughter?" I say finally.

"Oh I get it, Red told you?"

"Yer" I say unsure as to whether that is good or bad.

"She's ill Brendan" He says patting me on the shoulder before bushing past me and exiting into the living room. I don't follow because I sense he needs to be alone.

Poor man, I remember when Niamh died, I was so devastated and I felt like it was my fault. If I wasn't too busy with Macca and neglecting Eileen, maybe my little girl would still be alive.

* * *

><p>As a walk through the streets of Hackney I try to gather my thoughts. I know that I have to make my way back to Islington somehow but something in my bones tells me that Brendan isn't there. Call it a sixth sense but me and Brendan are connected in some unspeakable bond that I just know that he is closer than I think.<p>

Eventually I decide to go back to our flat in Islington and look for some signs as to where Brendan could be. The bus journey is rough on my wounds but I manage though with the help of some strong painkillers. As I walk to our flat in Ronslen Street I see first-hand the devastation the fire has caused to our neighbourhood and the people who live here. Shops, people's homes and cars are destroyed, the streets are dusty and the tarmac is broken. I finally reach our flat – well the ruins of our flat. I see a police officer standing just outside.

"Hi I live here" I say to him.

"Sorry son, the place is under police protection until it is deemed safe again"

"Oh well do ya know where the rest of the tenants went after the fire?"

"No but one man with a moustache did ask if we could pass on a letter to a man called Steven"

"I'm Steven" I say quickly.

"Oh ok" he reaches into his pocket and pulls out an envelope. "Here you go son" He hands it to me.

"Thanks" I say slightly sarcastically – who knows where this letter has been in the days I was in hospital.

I sit down on the pavement outside our front door and read the letter…

_Dear Steven,_

_If you are reading this it means we got spilt in the fire. I came back to the flat and gave this to one of the officers to give to you so you know what to do, please follow my instructions to the letter:_

_I'm not going to tell you where I am (yet), partly because I may have moved since writing this letter and also because there may be people after you or me. _

_I have a friend in the city who's number and address is written at the bottom of the page, go to the address and ask for Denny – he'll look after you until I can come and get you. _

_Don't tell anyone your real name and lay low until I find you._

_Don't try and ring or make contact with me in any way. _

_Finally Steven, please know that I am doing everything I can to find you and that I won't stop until I do._

_Look after yourself and don't forget to follow my instructions,_

_Love Bren X_

* * *

><p>Nathan doesn't know about Denny, my friend in the city and I want to keep it that way. I mean these kids are good; I'll give them that but I play in the big leagues and for all I know they could have been infiltrated.<p>

It's ten in the evening and I am just about to go to bed when I hear my phone go:

"Brendan it's me" Says a choking voice.

"Denny" I reply.

"He's here"

"Is he hurt?" I ask concerned.

"Burns, bruises and cuts – nothing serious"

"Good" I sigh in relief. He's ok

"When are you coming?"

"Not yet, I still think someone's gotten to these lads here. I need to make sure they are ok before I leave"

"So what if they're ok or not just leave 'em"

"I can't… ye don't understand…"

"Whatever Brendan, just get him off me hands soon as, this kid's driving me mental"

"Hey watch what ye say about him!" I exclaim.

"Sorry mate, it's just he doesn't shut up…"

"Yeah I know" I say fondly thinking of Steven's insufferable chattering. "Just keep him safe…"

Just at that moment Nathan walks in.

"Keep who safe?" He asks.

Damn.

"Chez my sis" I say, flipping my phone back together.

"Do you have a cross-dressing sister or sumant? Just you said 'Keep _him _safe'" His eyes burn my face. How can I continue to lie to him after this – there are no reasonable excuses I could concoct to save myself.

"I've found him" I say honestly.

"Really?" He reduces the intensity of his glare.

"Yer, he's staying with a mate of mine back in Islington"

"Oh so I guess you gonna be leaving in the mornin'?" He says, slightly downheartedly.

"Not yet"

"Why?"

"Because I have a feeling that something is going on. I'm not going anywhere near that house until I know people ain't after me blood"

"Ok, night Brendan" He turns around and leaves the room.

"Night" I reply as I watch his shadow disappear along the wall.

* * *

><p>Denny's house is strange. I am only allowed in the kitchen, bathroom and my own tiny bedroom. It's not dirty or nothing it's just – quiet and Denny is very reserved around me; I think I might have upset him. There is one other person in the house and her name is Cherry, or at least that's the name she goes by. She's seventeen and studies Sociology at the local collage, her long brown hair is silky and she spends most of the morning putting it into ringlets with the aid of a pair of industrial-strength hair curling tongs.<p>

I'm sitting at the kitchen table sipping my coffee and reading the paper. I don't normally read it, but I have to do something at breakfast otherwise I think I may go insane with the lack of noise in this house. Cherry comes in, makes a cup of tea and some toast and sits opposite me. I don't look up or even acknowledge her presence because I assume she hasn't acknowledged mine.

"Hiya" She says in a small, quiet voice.

"Hi" I say, slightly stunned.

"You're Steven aren't you?"

"Sure am" I say with a cheeky smile. "And you're Cherry right?" I'm just trying to make conversation – I know her name is Cherry.

"Actually that isn't my _real _name" She smiles.

"What is then?" I ask, intrigued.

"Arleen" She laughs.

"That's no too bad" I say through laughter.

"It is and don't lie!"

"Ok, ok it is but at least you changed yours"

"I didn't choose to be called Cherry, Denny chose it for me"

"Why?"

She shrugs. "I needed a new name and he always calls me his sweet little Cherry and so it just stuck I guess"

"So is Denny your dad?"

"NO! Denny is a…_friend"_

"What like…"

"We have a deal, I get to stay here and have a roof over my head, food and clean clothes and I earn my keep – so to speak" She winks a me.

"Oh" I say, unsure what else can be said at this moment.

* * *

><p>Just before Steven and I left Hollyoaks I had the chance to be involved with one more deal. I thought long and hard about my decision and my promise to Steven but something deep down inside me realised that I needed to do this – for myself. I had this aching inside of me for the rush of adrenaline these sorts of things cause; I wanted to feel that one last time. I agreed to myself that this would be my final exit from the game and that this one last deal would act as a leaving party, plus this deal wasn't just any old deal, it was the deal of a century….<p>

We were only given the location of the drop of point that evening – I knew these guys were good because I had heard of the name Carmichael before. Full grown men tremble before him – now that is power.

I've never had dealings with him personally; he's top of the leagues and I am not anywhere near his standard. But that night I was going to attempt to cheat him out of a priceless seven carat blue diamond necklace. I thought me and Steven could use the money to go on a trip around the world together.

Everything was set, I was in position and so was Warren – don't ask how he got in on it. We could see the car pulling up and we were just about to switch suitcases when…


	10. The collection

**Chapter Ten – The collection **

I thought I was dead. I convinced myself that when I was lying deathly still on the ground I could see that famous bright light approaching me, but something pulled me back, I don't what, some sort of powerful magnetic force or attraction I guess. When I woke up in the hospital a concerned Steven was collapsed in the chair beside me, the doctors had told him the bullet had damaged some major organs and they didn't see much hope of me recovering. Steven apparently told them to shove their medicine talk and get to treating me – that's my man.

It took a painfully long time for me to recover and I was sure that Steven would get tired, frustrated and go and find some other man that could give him a _normal relationship, _but when I confronted him with my feelings of self-loathing he just told me to shut up because he was tired and I was delirious from the medication. I did shut up physically but mentally the feelings were there and I couldn't escape what I had put Steven through, I promised that I wouldn't do anything like that anymore:

He was disappointed in me. I was disappointed in me.

But as the days rolled on it was clear that whatever resentment Steven held against me for what I did was gone. I asked him how he could be so loyal after I broke my promise and he just said:

"_I'm in love with this man called Brendan Brady maybe you know him? He's rough, tough and in control ninety nine percent of the time, but when he lets his guard down you get to see a vulnerability that is just… perfect and you can't help but forgive and love him"_

I knew then that we had one last shot at true happiness but it had to be away from Hollyoaks because it holds too many bad memories for both of us. I wanted Steven and me to feel free from the restraints that living in such a close-nit society puts on a relationship as delicate as ours. The constant scrutiny made it impossible for either of us to be happy.

I will never forgive myself fully for what I did to us but I hope that one day light will come through the dusty windows in my mind and finally I will recognise true happiness – something I have never experienced. Sure Steven is my light, but alone he is incapable of changing my view on the world – I have to be willing to open those windows…

"Nathan" I acknowledge him with a nod as I walk into the kitchen.

"Brendan, todays the day, hey mate?"

"Sure is" I nod again as I make a coffee.

"Brendan?" Nathan asks fiddling with his hands

"Yer?"

"Please don't tell Ste about my involvement"

"If that is what ye want" I say devouring my toast rapidly.

"He's made it in the world, he has you and I don't wanna ruin it"

"I understand"

"Thanks" Nathan begins to draw his chair away from the table.

"But if ye ever change ye mind, ye know where I am"

"Sure, thanks"

"No thank ye for helping me find him"

"Ya did that yourself, I knew you'd find him"

"Take care Nathan"

"You can call me Nay"

"Nathan is fine" I stand to shake his hand in gratitude.

* * *

><p>I'm waiting anxiously on the stairs for Bren to arrive. What's taking him so long? Cherry and Denny are talking in the kitchen, in hushed tones. Bren used to do that when he didn't want me to find out about his latest deal. I jump suddenly as the front door handle begins to turn…<p>

"Bren!" I say in an exhausted voice.

"Steven…" He replies kissing me strongly on the lips before pulling away as Denny broke in.

"How are ya den big man?" He asks in a familiar tone.

Brendan nods. I don't think he is in the mood for a relaxed chat about the old days.

"Thanks for keeping him safe" He shakes Denny's hand before loosely guiding me to the door.

"Wait Bren, I need to do one more thing…" I walk into the kitchen where I find Cherry sitting glumly on the counter.

"Hey" I say.

"Oh hi Ste" She replies in a fake cheerful tone.

"I'm off now and I just wanna say bye"

She comes over to me and kisses me on the cheek.

"I'll miss ya too" She hugs me close and I can smell her expensive perfume.

"C'mon Steven we've got to go!" Brendan says impatiently standing in the doorway with his arms crossed.

"Yeah… bye" I gently prise her off and loosely hold her hand for a moment before letting it slip out of my grip as I walk towards the door.

As we walk down the street I feel Bren's arm slowly creep around my neck, I look up to him and he smiles a relaxed, easy smile. I am secure in his arms.

I'm never going to let Steven out of my sight again. This was my fault.

We have no home, no belongings but we do have each other. Steven said that we should return to Hollyoaks for a bit…

"_Just until we find someplace else Bren, yeah?"_

Yeah Steven, just until we find someplace else…

* * *

><p>"Amy?" Steven calls down the hall.<p>

"Ste?" Amy looks up in horror, especially when she sees me. It's been a year and she still jumps at the sound of me.

"Ste what are you doin' here?"

"It's a long story…" He pauses. "I don't wanna talk about it just yet ok?"

"Ok…" She accepts defeat.

"Don't tell the kids I'm here, let 'em rest and I'll see 'em in the morning, alright?"

"Yeah, alright" She nods.

We make our way sleepily to my bedroom. It is exactly as I left it – I had a feeling Amy wouldn't have changed it in case of my return, if truth be told I think she has been lonely without me, but we will talk in the morning because right now I need some sleep…

_**Note: I have to be honest and say this isn't my finest hour and I am disappointed that it hasn't really worked the way I would have liked, but I'll let you all be the judge so review again as you see fit. **_


	11. In the morning

**Chapter Eleven – In the morning**

I open my sleeping dust encrusted eyes to see him lying back facing me. I don't want to wake him – he needs his rest, so I creep around him and make a dash for the door. Last night I felt the power return through my veins because Steven is safe in my arms and I will never let anyone take him from them again.

I don't know what was going to happen to Steven if they had taken him away from the hospital and I don't actually want to know because we are both safer living in denial. Steven asked me what would happen if they came back and I just held him close, kissed him and told him I wouldn't let that happen – I promised.

Bacon, eggs, toast and baked beans = our breakfast for this morning. I go into Steven room, our room and reach over to roll him towards me. He usually goes willingly; mostly because quite often he is awake already and he tells me he likes to listen to the oil in the frying pan bubbling and my low whistle. But today he won't move so I crawl over to his back and look at his face…

It's pale.

Maybe he's just sick… so I try and wake him again but this time I do it more vigorously. Nothing – his body is floppy. I then reach for his arm and place my two fingers on his wrist to check his pulse…

* * *

><p>The doctors are working on him now. I might just be overreacting right? Yeah that's probably it, all this drama over the last few weeks has caused me to become even more paranoid – he's going to be fine…<p>

"My Brady?" The doctor calls. I jump up from my seat instantly.

"How is he?" I ask trying to contain my nerves for the worst.

"Mr Brady you may want to sit down sir…" He points to the chair I was just sat on. I turn to look at him and then back at the chair in confusion.

"Mr Brady, Mr Hay inhaled a dangerous amount of smoke from the recent fire in your district… we did everything we possibly could to help him"

"No… no!" I can feel my skin bubbling.

"There was nothing more we could do for him sir"

"No… don't tell me he's… please!" My face is throbbing with anger and confusion.

"I understand your pain Mr Brady"

"NO!" I stand up and throw the chair across the corridor.

"Mr Brady! MR BRADY! I need you to calm down sir, for the sake of yourself and the other patients!" He gets in front of me and I see red. I hit him, hard, in the face. He looks at me in shock but doesn't say anything.

He must be used to this, distressed loved ones of patients. But he doesn't understand how _I _am feeling because _I _have lost Steven, after years of battles and weeks of pain trying to find – I have lost him when he was lying right next to me.

I collapse on the floor. I cry heavy into my arm. I don't care who sees because they need to know how this feels, I lost Niamh and now I've lost Steven – the love of my life. I feel a gentle pressure on my shoulder and as I look up I see the doctor whose face is sombre, he leans down next to me and rests his arm on my shoulder and I give in and place my head slowly into his arm.

"He… has… kids…" I say through tears.

"What are their names?" He asks without looking towards me.

"Leah and Lucas" I reply.

"Lovely names" He looks at me with a strong sympathy. "Mr Brady is there anyone we can call for you?"

"No" I gently prise myself up off the floor, wipe my tears and march purposefully towards the door and as I do I ignore the whispers, judgemental and sympathetic looks directed my way.

I hail a taxi from outside and as the door opens I look down at my feet to make them move, they are heavy like they are filled with sand. It feels like I am dragging myself away from the man I love. He's in there, all alone probably longing for me – no man, he's dead… he's dead…

I lean into my hands and only now do I realise the pain in my knuckles. The driver can hear me cry and he looks back in his rear-view mirror from time to time but says nothing. We arrive outside the flat and I pay the driver who looks sorrowfully at me, maybe taxi drivers have some sort of sixth sense to detect pain and heartache or maybe it's just I'm not trying to hide it.

Amy is standing at the door looking crippled with worry. I walk up the pathway – my face unchanging and she looks at me, searching for some sign of good news but I just hang my head. She crumbles into my arms and sobs uncontrollably.

"NO, NO!" Her voice is barely recognisable.

"I'm so sorry" I say crying at the same volume. I rub my hand over her back to soothe her.

"The kids…" She cries.

"Where are they?" I pull her face to look at mine.

"At my dad's"

"Right well we deal with ourselves first yeah? The kids don't need to come home to this"

"But we have to tell 'em!"

"We will… we will… just not yet right?" I sweep some of her hair away from her eyes and look into them seriously.

"Ok" She agrees.

We walk inside together; I support her with one arm over her shoulder and the other grasping her delicate hands. I stand in the kitchen and make a strong builder's brew for us both.

"Here ye are…" I place the cup on the table.

"How did it happen?" She looks up at me searchingly.

"Smoke inhalation" I cough slightly.

"_Smoke inhalation? _Why was Ste breathing in smoke?"

"There was a fire at our flat… I got out and Steven…" This is painful.

"What?" I can see she's shocked.

"He went missing for a few weeks; I've been tracking him down"

"What took you so long?" She says getting angry.

"People…" Is the best answer I can come up with.

"_People…?"_ She sighs. "What kinda _people_?"

"The kind you don't wanna know Amy, trust me"

"Listen Brendan…" She says sternly. "Steven means the world to me, my kids mean the world to me and if I find out in any way that those _people _you're on about caused the death of Steven then there will be hell to pay! Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly" I reply, slightly stunned at Amy's unexpected yet justified outburst.

I killed him. Maybe not directly but Amy is right – those _people, _Carmichael and his gang did this, they killed Steven and I won't let them get away with it one second longer...


	12. Failure of equal proportions

**Chapter Twelve – Failure of equal proportions**

"Steven's death will not be in vain!" I say slamming my hands down on the counter.

"Brendan don't do that, it scares me!" Cheryl pleads with me. She's been doing that a lot recently – all in vain of course.

The funeral is today at two. That's all I have to say on the matter.

"I am going to flipping get the bastards!" I shout angrily.

"Brendan you know you can't do this today" She looks at me strongly. I back down and place my head on her shoulder.

"Wouldn't you do the same, if it was me?" I want her to respond in such a way that would justify any course of action I decide to take.

"I would pay my respects" She says honestly. "Ste didn't die in vain, today is a day where we can express that but you need to be calm"

"I don't understand how…." I stop in mid flow.

"None of us do" She holds my hand loosely in hers. "But that makes us stronger, more willing to see this through, ok?"

"Yer, let's get goin'" I lead the way out of door.

What would I do without Cheryl…?

Yesterday I took a trip to London, Enfield to be precise – I needed to see Nathan it wouldn't surprise me if he already knew that I was coming but I'm not going to tell him to avoid difficulties.

I knock the door. I can hear footsteps approaching and the creak of the door as it opens…

"Brendan…" Nathan says with a hint of surprise – ok so I'm no psychic but don't tell me I didn't have you believing me for just a moment?

"Nathan" I nod in acknowledgment. "Did ye not guess I was coming?" I ask honestly surprised.

"I had a feeling – nothin' major though. What do ya want?"

"To come in" I say.

He leads me through. It's just how I remember it. I sit on a tatty chair in the corner – breathing heavily as I compose this sentence.

"Do ye know?" I ask – praying he does.

"Know what?" He looks baffled – I'm taking that as a no.

"Steven?" I say quietly.

"No sorry Brendan ain't got a clue what ya are on about mate"

"He's dead" I say sharply.

Nathan's face turns from annoyance to shock, disbelieve and finally disgust.

"Na mate, are ya havin' a laugh?" He laughs unconvincingly.

"No"

"But ya found him, ya took him home!" His voice is turning now.

"I did"

"What happened?" He believes me now, I can tell by the fear in his voice.

"We got back to Hollyoaks and we went to bed…." I pause. "In the morning I got up before him, made breakfast and went to wake him up but… but I couldn't and when I rolled him over he was pale and cold and had no pulse" I am tearing up now.

"Fucking hell Brendan why didn't you tell me?"

"It's been a few weeks, I needed more time"

"Did ya take him to the hospital?"

"Yer, they worked on him for a bit but then told us that he was DOA"

"What was it that killed him?"

"Smoke inhalation"

We sit in silence for a bit. It was tense and I sensed Nathan resented me a lot for not only letting it happen but also not telling him sooner.

"Brendan what do you want?" Nathan says after a few minutes of reflection.

"Come to the funeral"

"Brendan I meant what I said, I don't want to be a part of Ste's life"

"What fucking life? He's dead! Least ye could do is pay your respects to a brother ye failed!" I shout jumping from my seat.

"I saved him that day with Terry!" He shouts down the hallway after me. "If it wasn't for me YOU would never had met him, he would have been dead long before and you know what maybe that would have been better considering what you've put him through!"

I stop, about to regret what I am going to do but that twat needs a taste of his own evil words.

"I take back my offer – fuck ye and don't ye dare set foot in the crematorium tomorrow or I will skin ye alive!"

I get back to the village at ten that evening. I don't want any awkward questions so I am hoping Cheryl is in bed. My fight with Nathan is fresh on my mind, so what if he saved Steven that day? It doesn't give him the right to be a coldblooded git now. If he doesn't turn up tomorrow I'll know that what I said to him was one hundred percent right.

Everything Nathan said about me was true though – I was a dick to Steven. But there is one major difference between Nathan and me…

I love Steven. My cruelty – although completely unjustified and unacceptable was out of confusion because of my love for Steven, whereas Nathan is just denying the blood that runs through his veins.

Hate me if you want. Rip me to shreds and expose my inner core but for once I am not the bad guy.

I am not a failure of equal proportions when compared to Nathan.


	13. Funeral

_Disclaimer – I don't own anything – It all goes to the rightful owners and they deserve it! This is the penultimate chapter and I am sorry for any mistakes made. Enjoy!_

**Chapter Thirteen – Funeral **

I've been dreaming of this day for a week and now it's finally here. I can see him in the casket, flowers shaped into "Daddy" and "Boyfriend" decorating the top and sides. The car is driving gracefully through the main street in Hollyoaks to reach the crematorium. Amy is standing next to me – her eyes red raw with pain.

"Come 'ere" I say putting my arms around her and pulling her into a comforting embrace.

We walk through the big iron gates that enclose the crematorium from the happy, blissful outside world. Shut it off and no one will ever think of death. I think of it though – all the time. I want it to be my time now, to just ascend to heaven and leave the suffering world behind.

We see the service director standing by the wooden door. He is greeting the mourners as they take their seats.

"Ah you must be the Brady's?" He says to Cheryl, Amy and I.

"Yeah" I nod. "This is Cheryl my sister" I point to her.

"And I am Amy Barnes, Ste's best friend and the mother of our children" Amy interjects.

"Oh yes, please take your seats" He points in the direction of the front row. I don't like the idea we have to sit at the front – I feel like we are on show, 'the woeful mourning family'.

"Hello everybody" The director says as he addresses us from the stage at the front of the room. "Today we are celebrating the life of Steven Andrew Hay"

I hate this already. What right does he have to celebrate Steven's life? He didn't even know him. And now he is on a stage talking as if Steven and he were "bezzie mates", I feel sick!

After a longwinded speech about the importance of friends and family at a time like this and how grief is shown in different ways, he finally asks if anyone would like to give a eulogy.

"Brendan?" He asks gently "Do you have anything you would like to share?"

Yeah my fist with your face! I say in my head.

I nod and stand up to see the half full room staring intensely into the back of my head. I know they don't like me, they didn't (and still don't) think I am good enough for Steven but I don't give two shits about what they think because we were solid together, that's all that mattered, all that will ever matter.

"I don't…." I pause; my voice is gruff and broken. I don't what to say because I hoped that when I was up here it would all just come to me. But then see Cheryl, sitting sad-eyed in the front row and I know what I have to do.

"Um, do ye have a CD player?" I ask the service conductor.

"Yeah, it's over there"

I walk over to the other side of the stage, well aware that all eyes are on me, and shakily put a CD into the machine.

"Steven always said I sang dreadfully." I breathe deeply. "But I vowed one day to prove to him that I could do better but I never got the chance, so this one is for you Steven…"

The CD plays the song _Keep England in My Bones by Frank Turner._

_Not everyone grows up to be an astronaut,  
>not everyone was born to be a king,<br>not everyone can be Freddie Mercury,  
>but everyone can raise their glass and sing.<em>

I may not be the perfect kind of person,  
>I may not do what mum and dad dreamed,<br>but on the day I die, I'll say at least I fucking tried.  
>That's the only eulogy I need,<br>that's the only eulogy I need.

The song stops. I'm crying. We all say our last goodbyes. Amy leads the kids to the casket and they kiss the top and lay flowers and toys over it. Amy shakes with the weight of Lucas in her hands so I jump in quickly to help…

"Oi, slow" I say taking Lucas from her and I put him on the floor.

"Thanks Brendan" She says wiping her swollen eyes.

"No problem" I smile weakly.

"Your speech was beautiful, he would have loved it"

"Well I'm hoping he heard it"

"Yeah" She smiles. "I'm sure he did"

"How are the kids bearing up?"

"They're doing… as expected"

"Yeah, and yourself?"

"I'm miserable without him!" She cries.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's ok, it's ok let it out" I say comforting her to the floor.

"I just need him! He made everything with the kids ok!" She sobs.

"I know, I need him too" I look down to the floor. "But I will do everything I can for ye and the kids – that's what Steven would have wanted"

She looks at me stunned by my generosity.

"Brendan…"

"No, I will not hear a negative answer" I look at her with stern eyes.

"Ste really did love you… and I never understood why…" She pauses and I feel dejected. "Until now" She looks up at me and smiles and I am stunned.

"Is this forgiveness?" I ask, slyly.

"It's truce!" She laughs a little. I help her to her feet and she goes off the find the kids leaving me alone with Steven.

"Some woman you got there lad!" I smile, watching Amy feeding Lucas a packet of _Milky Buttons_. "Can see why you fell for her…" Lucas has now dropped them all over the floor and Leah is stamping all over them while Amy tries to restore order. "But I'm glad you chose me… I love ye Steven Andrew Hay, please don't ever forget that"

I walk over to Amy and pick Leah up to give her a tickle-cuddle while Amy clears up the mess. I'm spinning Leah around on my shoulders when something surprising catches my eye:

"Nathan!" I say slightly bemused.

"Hi Brendan, I've come to pay my respects" He looks honestly at me and I can hardly accuse him of not caring now can I?

"Sure" I lead him over to Steven.

"Ya never know what ya have in life mate until ya lost it all" He says suddenly out of nowhere.

"Too true lad"

"Um who are you?" Amy interjects again – she's got a knack for this.

"Oh I'm just a friend of Ste's from London"

"Oh really, what's your name?"

"Nathan Colesmith"

"Nope never heard he talk of you, but then again I didn't have a lot to do with him after he moved away"

"Oh right" This was awkward.

"Amy can you go and check on the cars outside yer?"

"Yeah course, it was nice to meet you Nathan Colesmith"

"Likewise" He smiled as she wondered away.

"You're not going to tell her then?" I say firmly apposing his decision to keep something as massive as this a secret.

"Look Brendan it would make no difference now anyway, my relationship to this part of the family is in a box!"

"Oh yeah and what about over there?" I say turning him swiftly to look at little Lucas dangling out of Amy's arms and Leah taunting him with the rest of the packet of _Milky Buttons._

"What about over there?"

"They are your niece and nephew, and you are going to tell me you don't fucking care!"

For a moment he stares at them and then finally makes his way to the stairs that lead up to the stage.

"EXCUSE ME EVERYONE BUT CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR FIVE MINUTES" All at once people faced in his direction.

"My name is Nathan Colesmith and Ste was my brother…"

Shock sweeps over the room like wildfire. Everyone stands unable to move because of the immensity of the situation. I see Amy out of the corner of my eye, her face is stone cold and her hands are shaking once again.

"Mate…" I say trying to coax him down to avoid further embarrassment on his part; but he was having none and refused.

"I said I'm Ste's…."

"Bother!" Amy finished bluntly. "Yeah we know, you just told us all" She has her arms crossed and a face of steal. I sense conflict reaching boiling point so try once more to defuse the situation.

"Nathan please, it's for your own good that you just leave now"

"You told me to be honest!" He says in his defence.

"Yeah I know I did but I didn't mean it like this!"

"Wait you told him to interrupt Ste's funeral?" Amy fumes.

"NO! I just wanted him to be honest, quietly!" I point my eyes in Nathan's direction.

"Oh fuck this!" He climbs down off the front of the stage and makes a break for the door.

"Oh no you don't!" I block his exit and Amy comes up behind him. He isn't bailing on Steven again.

"Nathan," Amy starts in a softer, more controlled voice. "I don't want to fight, I just want to bury Ste, my friend so please let me do that. If there is stuff you need to say now is your one chance- we are all here, listening"

Nathan looks to me for encouragement and approval. I nod.

"I only met him once, when I took him to hospital that day Terry beat him. I knew he was gunna die if I didn't do sumant so I did what I thought was best. It saved his life. From that day on I kept arm's length contact from him but I was watching and waiting for the right time to tell him who I was…"

"What happened?" Amy asks, clearly moved.

"My little girl Katie got ill and I didn't have time"

"I'm sorry" Amy says forgivingly.

"It's ok, she's in a better place now" He looks up to the celling and then we all realise what he means. "You gotta believe me guys I loved Ste, he's flesh and blood"

"You're half-brothers right?"

"Yeah Amy, that's right. Our mum had a one night fling with me dad and I was born nine months later, she left Terry for that time so he wouldn't beat her and she wouldn't lose me"

"You sound decent bloke, Ste would have loved ya" She puts a hand on his shoulder and he pulls her into a hug.

"From what I heard, the feeling's mutual" He smiles and we all return it.

Nathan's arrival was a positive part of the day in the end. He brought a sense of family that me and Amy couldn't to the funeral – for that I am thankful. We all went back to the club after for the wake and Amy and Nathan really seemed to be getting along, not in a relationship kind of way but I think they could become good friends.

As for me, I'm still searching. I don't know if I will ever find a place where I feel as comfortable and needed as I did with Steven, but if he taught me only one thing I am going to give life everything I have fucking got. With and without him.


	14. If you love me let me go

**Chapter Fourteen – If you love me let me go**

Brendan Brady what has become of you?

I have moved on with my life, that is what has become of me. I am no longer the solo runner who moves from location to location, relationship to relationship without batting an eyelid. I have found myself once again and all it took was the death of the man I loved.

I stayed in the village for a few months after the funeral, helping Amy adjust to her new life as a single mum - but after a while I grew restless. The place held too many memories, Steven's room was untouched and I couldn't bear walking past, expecting to see him there on the bed waiting for me or the smell of his aftershave wafting through the air. At first it comforted me to feel close to him, the few days after his death I spent sleeping in his room but after time I found it bothered me greatly – he is dead and I was sleeping in a dead man's room. Shivers tinkled down my spine every time I peered in the doorway, the once great comfort I felt was now a massive burden of guilt and grief.

I knew what I had to do, Amy was now beginning to get a routine back into their lives but she stopped confiding in me, just bottled it up until I heard her crying alone at night. I couldn't leave then, I knew she needed me still around, but after time her face and once heavy eyes had lifted immensely. I even think she was seeing someone from work, he was helping her with the kids and I felt isolated.

One day I just said it:

"_Amy how would ye feel if I left?" _

I think she was stunned to begin with. I suppose she thought I was part of the household now – that I was a part of Steven and therefore would rightfully own a part of this family, but the truth is I didn't and I never will.

"_I dunno" _She breathed deeply. _"Is there something wrong with staying here?" _ She asked somewhat concerned with the level of hospitality she had provided to me.

"_NO, no, no, I just feel like it's time for me to find a place on my own"_

She pondered it for a minute, folding the tea towel several times.

"_I understand" _She finally answered. _"Where will you go?" _She asked.

"_I have some business to sort out in London before I move permanently, but I don't know where I will end up"_

"_Ok" _She smiled. I knew she understood at that moment in time because I sensed she felt the same.

And I was true to my word; I left Hollyoaks for London a few days after our little chat. It was hard to leave the kids but I knew I would be more of a hindrance than a help. I was still dealing with all the shit in my head myself, without passing my grief onto little children. I went to London, sorted out the insurance for the flat and got a tidy little pay out so that I could set up home wherever the wind took me.

I drifted around for a bit, visiting friends in London and Ireland until one day it all became so clear.

"_Amy" _I said down the phone. _"I know where I am going to go…"_

"_Where?" _She asked intrigued by my sudden decision.

"_Where me and Steven were at our happiest…"_

And that is how I ended up here, along the sea in the Maldives. I realised that the holiday we took a year before was the happiest I had ever seen Steven and being in a place that had that effect on him made me feel inspired to continue being happy no matter what.

Then I met Alexander…

My first love interest since Steven died almost eleven months previous. His perfectly styled, short blonde hair, mesmerising blue eyes, slender yet toned body and sumptuous cherry lips enticed me into wanting to explore every inch of his mind, body and soul. He saw something in me only Steven had seen before. At first we were just friends, drinking companions, someone to lend an ear when work got a little overwhelming but then we talked, and we kept talking for months. He never pressed me about the past, just allowed me to divulge the basic outline of my life. I could sense he knew I was holding back something major but he didn't worry too much, only ever asked once and I told him that when the time was right we would have that chat.

A few months passed and we grew closer and one night it happened. You know what I mean by _it. _I had my reservations at first, I didn't think anyone could live up to Steven's standards but by God I was wrong – so fucking wrong.

"_Hell!" _I shouted out after when we were lying on the bed.

"_Hell indeed!" _He smiled.

Oh I should mention that Alexander is British, so British it hurts a little. I believed him to be wealthy after hearing his voice of the first time, however I was wrong. He lives on a council estate with his mum and little brother Claus, dad is a no-show and his brother has serious medical problems. When he first told me I was shocked but after a while my pre-judgments were swept away like the tide of the beautiful, crystal Maldivian sea.

"_He was the love of my life" _I announced suddenly. I didn't know what I was doing or how to stop myself but somehow now was time._ "Everything I needed and ten times more"_

"_What happened?" _He asked softly. I knew he wanted to know and I wanted to tell him but he was still careful not to press for the details.

"_I lost him, in a fire" _

"_He burnt to death?" _

"_No, it was after. He went missing for days and when I found him" _I couldn't bring myself to say it. The emotion was building to a pressure point in my body.

"_Brendan it's ok, we don't have to talk about it now" _He began to draw his legs up and slide off the bed.

"_No, I want to" _I stopped him by placing my hand on his shoulder.

"_Ok" _He sat back.

"_He died in our bed the morning after we got back to the village from London, I couldn't do anything" _I started to cry and Alexander tucked my head into his arms and rubbed my back.

"_You poor man"_

"_Don't…" _ I begged.

"_Don't what?" _

"_Don't pity me. I don't need it"_

"_Brendan that wasn't what I was trying to do, it's called comfort"_

"_I don't need that either"_

"_Right…" _

We didn't talk for days. I wasn't angry at Alexander, I was fuming with myself. I pushed him away. He was the first person to show even a little bit of interest in my feelings about Steven's death since I left the village and I pushed him away. I got nervous around him, kind of jittery when he was in close proximity, shivery when he spoke in his highly British accent – I developed feelings for him.

It was a while before I acted on them again. I didn't know if I was ready to feel again, but something happened one night that changed it all.

It was nine o'clock and I had just come home from working at my new club in the town which I called _Maldance. _I was tired and I felt stressed because I had just dealtthe localbig shots, shouting the odds at my staff. Naturally they didn't scare me but I wasn't in the mood for a big blowout. I got home and poured myself a double whiskey before collapsing in front of the TV. It must have been about eleven in the evening when I heard frantic knocking on the door, I made up my mind that whoever it was I would tell them I would deal with it when the sun shone but as I peered through the peephole, I saw Alexander standing there –battered.

"_What the fuck happened to ye?" I said shocked. _

"_Some local lads got onto me around the street" _He was obviously shaken and so I asked him if he wanted to stay the night.

"_Oh Brendan I couldn't, I don't was awkwardisity between us"_

"_Awkwardisity? That's a new one!"_

"_Oi you, I just had my head battered in, you think we could drop the Oxford Dictionary routine for one night yeah?" _And with that we both laughed out loud.

We talked until dusk was upon the sky. I had never felt so close to another human being as I did to Alexander that night. I knew he sensed chemistry in the air. Every time we cracked up with laughter his eyes would meet mine and there was a moment of sheer silence, we both knew what was happening but Alexander knew I didn't want to go there yet.

It took seven long, lonely months before we met again.

"_Alexander!"_ I said stunned by his appearance in this bar. He was never a drinker; the occasional bear at Christmas and special occasions but that was it.

"_Brendan…"_ He stammered. He looked deathly pale. Am I really that horrible to run into on the off chance?

"_It's been a while…"_ I stated. I didn't know what to say – the tension in the air said it all.

"_How have you been?"_ He asked, clearly just looking for something to say.

"_Ok, and ye?" _

"_Fine thank you" _

"_Good, good…"_

We stood there for a bit, at the bar just avoiding eye contact.

"_Brendan?" Alexander finally piped up._

"_Mm?"_

"_I don't know what to say about what happened a few months back"_

He made it sound like it was nothing to him; I was a blip in his perfect aristocratic lifestyle he strived for. I wasn't going to allow him to trample all over my feelings.

"_I thought you wanted me"_

"_What…?"_

"_Ye heard me"_

"_No Brendan I can't do this…"_ he turned away from me but I pulled him back at a gentle force.

"_Why won't you let me make it up to you?"_

"_Because there is nothing more to say" _

"_There's plenty more to say!"_

"_Yes but you won't be saying it to me any time soon so I can't just sit around and wait!"_

"_I told you about Steven!"_

"_Yes and I know you have been through the ringer and I sympathise with you Brendan, but I cannot come second to a dead man! I will not put myself in that impossible position for a man who only lets me see the parts of him that he wants me to see!"_

"_So what do you want me to do then? Huh?"_

"_I don't know Brendan. But you are not capable of a relationship until you sort out your demons" He turned to walk away._

"_But I love you!"_ I shouted. It was a spilt second decision and as her turned to look at me I grew increasingly nervous.

And that is how it happened. Upon reflection, it could have gone smoother. But then again the path of true love never did run smooth. We talked and ironed out the arrangements in our relationship. I was nervous he would reject me on the account of my history but to my surprise he simply said:

"Brendan I don't want to know everything you have done in the past, I only care about now"

And that was the last we spoke of the past. Seven wonderful and eventful years later here we stand, together as husbands in our beautiful villa in the Maldivian Islands. Every year on the anniversary of Steven's birthday I travel back to London to where Steven and I lived and lay flowers next to a wall of memorial that now is engraved into the newly refurbished flats. It isn't much but it is enough. I don't need fancy services of gestures to remember Steven because in my heart he will never be forgotten. Even though I have moved on with my life with Alexander, Steven will always remain.

I loved a man once, his name was Steven Andrew Hay. He had dirty blonde hair, long beautiful eyelashes, a soppy expression, perfectly placed lips and a body to die for. He did die, in October 2011. I lost the man I loved but he lost his life. So I ask you, please don't cry for me because I have found love again – think of Steven, of all the things he will miss when he should have lived a long and happy life.

Please don't forget me Steven. I love you but I know I had to let you go.

Goodbye.X


End file.
